Dream Smarter Podcast Ep14 - The Art of Saying No

share

Dream Smarter Podcast Ep14 – The Art of Saying No

Below are the show notes/summary for this episode. Please listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify for the full show! Xo, Alex

 

 

Today, we are talking about something tough to master, but it’s very important to work at mastering. And that is the art of saying no. In my opinion, saying no is just as important as saying yes. Figuring out ways to allow yourself to say no is important in life. Because as a people pleaser myself, it really sucks saying no to people, but it’s also very important to have the ability to say no to people.

So, it’s just about training yourself and figuring out little tips and tricks to get yourself to that place. Because if you said yes to everything and everyone, your life would be crazy. You wouldn’t have time for yourself, and you need that time for yourself because not every opportunity that falls into your lap in life is going to be aligned with where you want to go and how you feel at that very moment. So it’s crucial to be able to step outside of that, figure out exactly what you want. Have that at the top of your head and be able to say no to situations and people that don’t align with your vision, that don’t align with who you are currently, that doesn’t align with your vibe, your energy, anything  You have to protect yourself when it comes to your mental state, your emotions, the energy that you’re giving to, whatever it may be. People, places, things work, anything.

 

Tip #1: Don’t force yourself to do things that don’t bring you joy.

 

I find this is the easiest step to start with because it’s simple to look at one situation or another and say, this brings me joy. This doesn’t bring me joy. I’m going to do more things that bring me joy. Do more things that bring you joy. Life is short. We all should be happy. If you’re constantly doing all of this shit for yourself or other people or a job, or for whatever the fuck it is, if you’re doing a bunch of stuff that makes you unhappy, you need to stop doing that. And I know it’s easier said than done, but just start paying attention to your happiness levels when you’re doing different tasks or hanging out with different people. Look at your happiness level and figure out if that is a way that you want to feel again.

I mean, truly, and at least just start analyzing it. And then you can start coming up with a plan on how to say no to the things that you don’t want to continue doing, because you don’t need to do things that don’t bring you joy. Life is just a game. So, play your fucking pieces, right? You have the power and never forget that in your life. You have the power. Do not let other things or situations or people steal that power away from you. It’s unfair. So Hey, figure out what makes you happy? What doesn’t make you happy? And then don’t force yourself to do the things that don’t bring you joy.

So when you find those toxic things and say no to one, it may be really hard. But when you do, you get to the place where you’re like, oh gee, thank goodness that I said no to that. Then it will give you the confidence to do that again. Then, you’ll continuously say no to things that you don’t want to do to things that don’t bring you joy notes of things that are not bettering your life. I’m not talking like, say no to exercising because you don’t like it. I mean, there has to be a balance. Nobody loves exercising. Like I love exercising because exercising makes me feel good. Not because I love exercising. It’s good for my health mentally, physically, et cetera.

I’m not talking about saying no to those types of things. I’m just talking about saying no to things in your life that are toxic or that this doesn’t feel good. Like if you have a gut instinct of like, Hey, this isn’t right. Or if you just are unhappy when you’re in that situation or with that person or whatever it may be, you can say no to it. You have that power.

 

Tip #2: Go with your gut and how you feel.

 

I’ve already talked about this a little bit, but you really need to do you. And it stopped thinking about what other people’s opinions are, what they’d have to say about the matter. It’s not their life. This is your life. It’s not their life. It’s not your friend’s life. Your family’s life, your kid’s life. It’s nobody’s life. You get to make the choices, and you get to make the rules of your game. This is your game. So, go with your gut and lead with how you feel. Obviously, there’s a balance there as well, but whenever I’ve gone with my gut and just did what felt right to me, it’s been amazing. Things always go up for me when I listened to myself deeply and to my desires and what I really want and not care about other people’s opinions. Things just fall together.

One thing I do want to mention in this part of the episode is if you haven’t learned about human design, you totally should just go online, literally type in human design test. Honestly, I don’t know a shit ton about it, but I know that I am a generator and when it comes to human design. There are ways they tell you how you feel when you’re misaligned in your life. And for me, as a generator, that feeling is frustration. So that’s why I’m telling you, take the test and figure out what your human design is and read up on it. I’m still learning about human design, and maybe I’ll end up doing a podcast on this later down the road. But as of now, I’m still learning. But I know that when I am misaligned, and it’s so true, I get frustrated. I can just sense it. It’s like this angry, but not angry. Like it’s just that like frustration. I get so frustrated that life is going that way.

And I’ve thought back to all of the points and times in my life that now looking back, I’m like, yeah, I was definitely misaligned then. And I was frustrated, and I know that I was frustrated because I remember how I felt during those times, so I think it’s interesting to learn that about yourself and to say, okay, so this is how I feel when I’m misaligned. And so now whenever I get frustrated, I look at the situation and say, okay, what’s misaligned here. Where can I say no? Where can I set boundaries that I couldn’t do before? Or that I didn’t feel right about doing before now? I feel right about it. I know it’s going to make my life better because I’m feeling fucking frustrated, and I’m done feeling frustrated. So, I want to feel good. I want to feel aligned. What do I have to do to make myself feel aligned?

And there’s always going to be casualties in your life. Whether it be just like someone random reaching out to you on Instagram, asking to meet up for coffee, or someone like a boyfriend or something. There’s going to be casualties of you saying no and setting boundaries. But if it makes you feel more aligned, it will all get better. Like the temporary pain that you feel after setting a boundary and saying no, it will make you feel in the end so much better. As a human, you will feel more aligned. You will be more you, and it will make you feel more fulfilled, and you will live out your purpose better and stronger. So just know that going into it. And it makes things a little easier.

 

Tip #3: Ask yourself if they’re doing it to benefit you, or if they’re doing it to benefit themselves and themselves only.

 

It’s really easy to pick up on this once you like to have that ingrained in your brain. Because some random person who’s reaching out to you on Instagram, who’s never started following you since yesterday, who has never engaged in your content, never bought anything from you, but messages you to figure out if you can go on a coffee date with them so they can pick your brain. They’re obviously not doing it to benefit me or you, right? They’re doing it to benefit themselves. Like, what do I get out of this situation? I’m not saying every situation needs to be a, he gets this, gets this, and gets this. It’s not an eye for an eye type of thing, but there needs to be balanced.

Life is about balance. The older I get, the more I feel this need for balance, and every part of my life. So, if this person’s coming at you hardcore, it’s obvious that there’s no balance there. Like they’re just doing it for themselves. They’re narcissistic a lot of times. So, you need to look at that and just say no, and not feel bad. Because if you’re not getting anything out of it, it’s not a good collaboration. It’s going to make you feel misaligned. It’s going to, for me, make me feel frustrated. Like why did I even do that in the first place? And then you get animosity towards yourself. And then you’re like, God, why did you do that? And then you don’t trust yourself. And then it’s just this downward spiral of you being mad at yourself, because you said, yes, there’s something that you wanted to say no to.

So, just ask yourself, is this person who’s approaching me, are they doing things to benefit them? Or are they doing things to benefit you as well? And if it’s just a benefit them, it will be very clear. And you can say no, and then it’ll be fine. And they’re going to probably get upset because people who are narcissists get upset and people who want everything to themselves get upset. And that’s okay, it’s fine. You just say it’s okay, that you’re upset. You’re not upset because I said, no, you’re upset because you didn’t get your way for once.

There are so many people out there who message me even about pyramid scheme stuff. And they won’t stop messaging me. Also, when I say no, they’ll reach out again. I don’t want to say rude because I never want to come off as rude. But I’m strong with my language. Like, please leave me alone now. And I don’t like doing that, but that’s my boundary. And that’s me saying no, and they get upset, and they will do this whole gaslighting thing, but it’s okay. Don’t worry about it because those people have their own problems.  So, you just need to understand, again, are you getting something out of this as well?

And it doesn’t need to be an eye for an eye. As I mentioned, it can even be in a different way. Like I know who is on my Instagram, liking my shit, following me, looking at my stories, interacting with me, supporting High Moon Studio. So, if somebody who is supporting High Moon Studio actively reached out to me and asked me a question, I am 150% willing to help them because they have done something in return without the expectation. But when people start expecting things out of you, but they don’t expect to give anything back in a return of some kind of any type of support, then there’s a problem there. And those are the types of situations that you’ll get that gut feeling about. And you need to say no.

 

Tip #4: Offer a different alternative.

 

I’m all about finding win-win situations. We all know this. I do have another episode on win-win situations. So, if you haven’t listened, go listen. But when it comes to difficult situations and saying no, when somebody approaches you, and they say, Hey, I would love to X, Y, Z, but it doesn’t feel aligned with you. You can offer them a different situation and offer, Hey, I, unfortunately, what you mentioned to me, it doesn’t feel aligned. But if you give me XYZ. I give you XYZ.

So, you’re creating win-win situations. When you do that, either the person will come to you, and they will be like, yes, that sounds great. Or they’ll come to you and say no. Or you will never hear from them again.  Actually, most of the time you’ll never hear from them again. So, actually, this is a win-win situation that I’ve created because I got a lot of people reaching out to me in DMs asking me for like free information. How do I start a business? How do I do this? How do I do that?  Can you coach me? Can I pick your brain? Can we hop on a phone call? Can I talk to you? And it’s very obvious that they had no interest in my services. They wanted to just get information from me for free. But I’m smart, and I’ve gone to school, and I’ve put in the work, and I’ve done my education. I’ve done Google searches. I’ve figured this shit out on my own. And it’s taken me years. 10 plus years. So, just like sitting down with somebody, who’s offering me a free call to waste my time, I could be making my money, giving them free information that took me 10 years to learn. That’s unfair.

So, what I did to combat that was I created hour-long training calls, and anybody can book them. They’re on my website, it’s $250 for an hour, which I actually think is a steal because you could get a lot of information out of me in an hour. But I still get messages like Hey, can we hop on a phone call? And it just drove me nuts being like, no, because how do you say no in that situation? And they were like, wait, why don’t you want to talk to me? It just looks bad. So instead, I was like, okay, I’m going to create these phone calls. So, then I’ll message them back. And I’ll say, absolutely, I would love to have a conversation with you. You can book a training call with me via this link.

And then they see it’s $250 and I never hear from them again. I’m going, to be honest, not one person has booked a training call with me, not one person since I opened this like six months ago. It is quite literally just a tool for me to block away people who want to use me. It’s a way for me to say no, but create a win, win situation. Because if they did book the call, I’m making money. So, it’s worth my time, but I’m not going to take fucking phone calls for free. The hours that I have throughout the day are spent on my clients, the people who are paying me money, lots of money. So, I don’t need to be giving people my free time, unless I choose to do that. And there’s a reason for it. So that is my trick to getting yourself to say no because you’re not actually saying no, you’re basically saying no, but yes.

And then you get like a little win-win situation out of it and make some money. Set up those training calls. I do mine on Calendly. You can collect payments from Calendly. As I said, nobody’s ever booked it before, but you can collect payments from Calendly. I connect it to my zoom account. So, they basically go online, sign up, and pay right in Calendly, which goes to my PayPal, and then, a zoom link is sent to them so that they’re ready for the call. And we hop on which nobody’s done yet, but that’s totally fine. As long as there are not people using me for information, you got to protect yourself. And I don’t say this out of like a, Oh my God. So many people want to talk to me. It’s not like that at all. I mean, we’ve all reached out to people before.

I mean, I’m sure all of you guys, regardless of how many followers you have, people want information from you. Just laying that out there and you don’t need to book your calls at $250 an hour, but it was laying out something at least a hundred dollars, something where it’s like worth your time to hop on and give this personal information.

Tip #5: Never, ever feel bad.

 

The minute you start feeling bad that equals you giving your power to the person or the thing that you said no to. So, when you say no, do it with power. Do it with confidence because you’re making the fucking decision anyway. You can either sit and sulk about it and let it ruin your day, ruin your night, ruin your fucking week, whatever it is. Or you can be, “like I said no good job, Alex.” Like, congratulate yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back.

No’s create space for more aligned yeses. That is key to this entire episode. And I know it’s pretty short, but this is just really what I wanted to get to. Once you realize that little tidbit of information, your life will slowly start falling together by saying no. By saying no, all of the yeses are just shown in front of your face, presented to you by the universe. It’s amazing. So, try saying no to more things that don’t feel aligned and see the number of doors that open that you’ve wanted all of this time.

You literally just have to follow your heart, follow your soul. That’s what life is all about. It’s your game, take power. Do whatever the fuck makes you happy. Do what is aligned to you in life and business and see the doors that open. Say yes, definitely say yes to things, but definitely say no to things too.

Click here to listen to the full show on Apple Podcasts

share