Dream Smarter Podcast Ep21 - Dancing With Fear


Dream Smarter Podcast Ep21 – Dancing With Fear

Below are the show notes/summary for this episode. Please listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify for the full show! Xo, Alex


I have obviously been on a spiritual journey lately, and I know that there are so many others who have also been on a spiritual journey lately as well.

A lot of what held me back was fear. There’ve been so many things that have happened in my life since I was a child that don’t make sense. Things that I just chopped up to like, “Oh, that doesn’t make sense. It wasn’t reality.” I just never said anything about it because I felt embarrassed and I felt like nobody was going to believe me. So, fear was something that revolves so heavily around my spirituality and instances that have happened in my life and just who I am as a person.

There are so many entrepreneurs who have anxiety and anxiety is truly just fear. You’re afraid of things to a point where it’s debilitating. And I’ve had so much new anxiety that’s popped up after my breakup and I’m just really trying to work through it. I started going to therapy. I’ve recently started opening up spiritually. I’ve been so focused on fear. With LA shutting down, once again, I’ve been alone a lot this year. I’ve been alone more than I’ve ever been alone in my entire life.

I’ve never, ever been alone like this ever before. And it’s the perfect time to dive deep into my spirituality, dive deep into like the darkness that lives inside of me because there’s darkness that lives inside of everybody.

So, I wanted to talk about it today because it’s something that I’ve truly been thinking about 24/7. I feel like fear stems from something so deep within us. And we’re all afraid of stuff and we’re all afraid of different things. Sometimes the same things. And it’s never what it appears to the eye.

And I meet so many entrepreneurs who are scared of so many things, myself included. But to be honest with you, when it comes to fear, entrepreneurship is one of the things in my life where I feel like that fear factor just doesn’t quite exist. Or I’m just so built for it that it’s just easy for me to overcome.

But I know there’s so many of you out there who are probably listening to this who are so afraid of so many things, whether it’s starting your business in the first place, trying something new, raising your prices, getting new clients, changing your business name, changing your branding, changing your website, whatever it may be. So, let’s just have a conversation.

When you’re scared of something, you need to sit your down and you need to grab a notebook and you need to just really dive deep and think, “why am I afraid of this?”

Because there’s always a root. It’s either something that happened to you as a child, an instance that you’ve gone through, or just an innate feeling that you’ve felt your whole life. Just being aware of that fear and saying, listen, I’m not doing these things because I’m scared. Like, why am I not finishing my website in launching this business? I can’t get it done. Why? Oh, maybe it’s because I’m scared. Now that I know, and I have this awareness of this fear now, why am I fearful?

Why am I afraid? Where does this stem from? Where do I feel this fear in my body when I’m sitting here and I’m afraid? And I just can picture that feeling and that just little human inside of me, who’s scared. Where do I feel that in my body? For me personally, it’s in my chest. A lot of people feel fear and these types of emotions in their gut. For me, it’s in my chest and it’s almost like my hands want to just grip so tight.

It’s this sense of control that I get, and control is my way of protecting myself from my fears. And I know I’m diving really deep into myself, but I hope that this resonates with some of you guys, because I’ve just bee, spending so much time in my own head and with my therapist and listening to podcasts that will help me understand all these feelings and just these things that I have never released over my lifetime.

We’re going through a Saturn return right now. Our collective is going through a Saturn return, which is basically you face the darkest parts of yourself. We are going through some tough right now. And the thing that we need to do is we each need to focus on ourselves.

Besides the fact of the people around my age range are going through a Saturn return, look at our world right now. It is falling apart. There’s COVID, the election; everything that’s going on the world is telling us that we need to focus on ourselves, dive deep and face these demons that we all have inside of us. Face these fears, understand why they’re there and just come out of it with more love. More love for ourselves, more understanding for who we are as humans and this life and past lives, and to just embrace who we are instead of running away from it.

When it comes to fear, a lot of it is me being afraid of being different, me being afraid of people judging me or thinking about me in some certain way. And I’m realizing all of the things about myself that are different aren’t going to change. This is a part of me. This is who I am, and I need to embrace who I am instead of fighting who I am. A lot of times we’re fighting it because it’s different than other people. Whether it’s our personality or what we look like, or how much we weigh or what our skills are, if we’re an extrovert or an introvert; we have this idealized human in our brains. And it’s really hard right now because on social media, it’s so easy to show just the perfect side of everything. So, when you go on social media, you’re feeling scared about everything in life, right?

Especially now nothing makes sense. Then you’re feeling down on yourself for some particular reason; you feel different. You feel all of these things. Then you go to social media and then you’re like, well, look at all these perfect people. Geez, why can’t I just be perfect like them? And then you just get down on yourself and you’re scared. And you’re just like, I can’t show who I am because of XYZ. Because look at all these other people, they’re perfect. They’re not like me. I’m different. But here’s the beauty in this; Every person feels this way. Every person is different. I guarantee you, every single person listening to this right now feels the exact same way because none of us are the same. Not one single person is exactly the same. We are all very different. And that’s what makes the world beautiful and relationships beautiful and you beautiful. It’s those differences.

And oftentimes those differences make us so fearful, but we need to learn about the fear, accept the fear and realize that it’s going to be there, but we need to just move past it.

I’m like literally scared to go on a date going. So yesterday, I was going to a laser hair removal appointment. I was going to my appointment and I passed Nick Viall from the bachelor. He was getting coffee and he checked me out

I just get so nervous. I don’t look people in the eye, especially men. I’m like, Oh my God, I’m so scared. Like, don’t see me. I just don’t like being seen. Vulnerability is something I’m extremely fearful of because I am such a deep, deep human. And you guys have definitely seen a little bit of that. And that’s just the cusp. There’s so much more underneath. I’m just like a very deep person. And I don’t really like it when people can see that. And I don’t share it with many people because I’m scared that they’re going to take advantage of it and hurt me. I’m very, very afraid of that. But anyway, I go into my appointment and afterwards, I text my friends and I’m like, Oh my God. I just saw Nick, and he checked me out, all this stuff.

They were like, oh my gosh, you should message him on Instagram and be like, Hey, I was too shy to say something. And I was basically like. No, that is like my worst nightmare. I will not, no. And my friend was like, Alex, you said he checked you out. He’s obviously maybe somewhat interested. Yeah, maybe you’re right. But I’m still too scared. And I literally was like, makes note as to what I should talk to my therapist about next week from all of these feelings that I got. I am just terrified.

We’re all terrified of specific things. I won’t even go on a date. And there are probably people listening who are so afraid of the business side of things. I just think getting down to the root of it has helped me so much. So, then I thought, why am I afraid to write him? And it’s like, okay, I don’t think that I’m good enough. And I think that I’m going to be embarrassed if I write him, because then he’s not going to respond. And it’s going to validate the fact that I am not good enough. And if I can’t be good enough for him, then I must not be good enough for anyone. And it’s really sad. It’s really sad, but I, I can acknowledge it. And then I can look at that and say, that’s up, Alex, that’s fucked up.

First off. I am good enough. Second off. If he doesn’t respond and he doesn’t care, then that doesn’t mean that I am unworthy of love. It just means that I’m not his idea of it. Or it doesn’t mean that I’m not good looking enough for him. It just means that I am just not his type. And that’s okay because there’s a lot of guys that I see who aren’t my type, but I still think that everyone in the world is beautiful in their own. And I think there’s somebody for everyone.

I posted on Instagram today I was like, “what are your goals for the end of 2020 before we get into 2021?” And comment after comment, after comment was finishing their website. And so, I’m noticing that that’s something people really struggle with. I just got done working with a hundred students, so I know it’s because they’re worried it’s not going to be perfect. But what is your idea of perfect? Is it my idea of perfect? Can you still change it as you go? Just because you put out a website doesn’t mean you can’t touch it for the next 10 years for God’s sakes. If something is wrong, you will fix it. You will fix it as you go, and you will figure it out and it will be perfect for some people.

I’m realizing that everything in life is just a work in progress. Nothing is perfect. We just need to enjoy the ride, get it done and keep editing. We can’t have this mentality of there’s going to be a day when it’s going to be perfect. Whether it’s yourself or whether it’s your website, there’s never a day where things are perfect. Even as a website designer, as a luxury website designer, even when I post my new website is perfect for like 10 minutes. And then the 10 minutes after that, I’m like, I should have added this sales page, or I should have adjusted this section to have this here and this here. It’s never perfectly done forever.

There’s always going to be things that you can update. There’s always going to be things that you can add and that’s great. And that’s what makes the journey so beautiful.

So, getting back to fear, we need to stop being so afraid of because it’s not the end all be all. It’s a process. We don’t need to be perfect all the time. We don’t need to feel scared of everything. We have to learn to dance with fear instead of holding a shield up to it.

Fear will always be prevalent in our lives. Do we dance with fear and make it work with us rather working against it? How do we allow it in our lives and say, Hey, fear, come on over baby girl, you’re welcome at this table. You’re going to be here anyway. Might as well come sit down.

I would highly suggest journaling every morning. I’ve started meditating and then I started journaling after, and I don’t have any expectations for what I’m going to journal, but I just do. I just write what feels good after my meditation. So, you can do that. Or if you’re somebody who’s been really afraid of a lot of things lately, maybe start writing down what you’re afraid of and becoming aware, and then trying to backtrack and say, why, why does that scare me?

What would happen if I did it anyway? Or what would happen if I wasn’t afraid of that thing? What’s the worst-case scenario? Just really pay attention to how fear impacts your life. Because if you can actually pay attention to it and dance with it, it’s going to be easier to move forward. And the fear won’t be so damned debilitating. You’ll be able to dance.


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